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: ew 101 ( )
01:05 

Infamous Impostor
S&C and/or S&F

@: devilish

@: EW 101

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17:40 

Infamous Impostor
Halloween, huh? :)

@: EW 101

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00:37 

Shopping Spree

Infamous Impostor
Shopping is like an addictive drug. Its also extremely contagious, but it certainly has its therapeutic perks.

I gotta say this, Im getting tired (not that I dont appreciate it or anything) I have all these clothes that no longer fit my wardrobe and its not even the worst part. The worst part is, I have nowhere to wear them, not because I literally dont have a place dress up for, but because its almost like I dont consider this lifeless pit worthy of wearing designer clothes. Sounds so insolent and contemptuous, but I cant [won't] help it.

So, instead of stopping, we go on shopping, and shopping, and shopping, even though we dont really need any of those things [most of the time]. Like yesterday, for example: next stop - Neiman Marcus.
I grew up surrounded with labels and overly expensive clothes, sometimes even coming straight from the source, but Ive never really wanted any of those things. Right now, I dont care much for trade marks, but I as sure as hell admire and know how to appreciate them, and elegant people who know how to dress both tastefully and becomingly.

I also know that we need to fight this irrational all-absorbing urge to spend money. Its one of those anesthetics: It sedates you, but eventually it wears off.

updt:

12 ...I'm the lucky owner of:

Incredibly cute blue VS sheet set + comforter for a Queen-size bed [that I'll probably never have\use] ; another huge perfume\make-up set, and a fancy black & grey pea-coat [love it].

This is Sparta Madness. She can't help it - I don't want to resist it. There's no end to all the craziness.

 

P.S. I've always loved pea-coats. :heart:*ahhhhh my new adorable pea-coat*:heart:


: 02.11.2009 15:21

@: Astor Piazzolla - Violentango

@: meditative

@: C'est la vie, EW 101, MHP, WW

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20:08 

Infamous Impostor

I'm so wrapped up in my own shit that I no longer see anything that's going on with people I still care about. Not a good way to goNot a good way at all. I dont know how Ive come down to this
Don't want to quote someone who's all words and no action, but the time for change has come.
It's time for change. I dont know how Im going to fix things, but I need to come up with something until its too late. I've got about 3 months left before something really bad happens and I lose it forever. Until then...and this is the sentence I'm not going to finish in writing.


@: EW 101, C'est la vie, and so it is, MHP

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22:20 

And

Infamous Impostor
It's on! My upcoming birthday is so on ;) So much to do, so little time)))

@: DM, EW 101, HDA, Obsession, and so it is

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21:58 

Infamous Impostor

We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it.

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. This is probably the only thing that keeps me alive and sane: I just hope it's true.

 

And this one is for you Chews) :kiss:

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.


@: quotes, WW, HDA, EW 101

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13:00 

20:15 11/24/2009

Infamous Impostor

The fact that Im writing this means that:

 

a) My internet is back.

b) Im happy to share some details of my birthday.

 

Dont know where to startFirst thing first its so darn good to be wrong every once in a while! :)

I was wrong and Im happy about it. My birthday, the one that was supposed to be a total disaster, turned out to be the best one I can remember. (Which is sort of not entirely true, because most of memory was erased) :D BUT...Its a good thing we had a camera to film the whole thing (well, most of it) and let me tell you firsthand man, that was so fucking hilarious! :D

Who the fuck is John Wayne and why I was impersonating him, is still a top Laura Palmer's murder mystery. Man, it was crazy.

Quote ( ) :

-It says PINK.

- ! ! !

But Im missing the point) Almost every one came, even Chewy did, which was a complete surprise). Chews, Id be even more eager to express my happiness, but I was too wasted by the time you came. , wide open what the fuck is wrong with these people :D

, our hand-made Twister ROCKED! I wanna personally address my gratitude to those, without whom it wouldve been impossible to accomplish: Jenny, Chewy, Sabik & Oleg (for raping & tearing down that poor hard drive) and that Ika guy whom I havent seen in person, but I hear hes one hell of a good looking and awesome fellow (which is not relevant, but still is worth pointing out) :)))

So, Im 21 now and it feels like Im still 20 years old: going through a major untimely middle-life crisis))) Plus I feel terrible, because of my escalated cold + hangover. But I gotta say this:

I love tequila. I absolutely love tequila and Im psychologically attached to it, but it has its downs in the form of hiatus it creates in my brain followed by a terrible, malignant hangover afterwards. And, its made me break my three commandments so many times and there was nothing I could do to resist) But those days are over now. (I thinkIll tryHmm, maybe?) :D
Anyways, I have this crazy idea; I should host more of these trash tequila soirées. We still have some games to play, the ones we couldnt play yesterday.
, something about a party being a success if dont remember the rest. The party was a success. It was so successful that we didnt even get to the cake part. Not that Im complaining, , , .) , , maybe its a good thing. Dont want to strike a sour note, but those things dont work anyway, so why bother?) Que Sera, Sera and all)
SoopeeThats all for this entry. Next one coming right up.


@: DM, EW 101, HDA, and so it is

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13:05 

20:32 11/24/2009

Infamous Impostor

Here are some aspects Id like to focus on:

a) She didnt call. Well, I dont remember the phone ringing and talking to her, but then again, theres a lot I dont remember about yesterday night. But Im pretty sure that she didnt call.

Not that I wanted this formality to go on, but I didnt think that my letter was that crystal clear.
I thought I was being subtle. Too subtle, in fact. Turns out, I wasnt and now its finally over.
This means, that my old memories wont be ruined by new ones - the ones I loath. This particular memory lane has reached a cul-de-sac.
b) I finally figured out why its not working perfectly, the way it should work. I think hed understand what Im talking about if he were reading these lines.
But this theory of mine needs to be verified and I dont know when or whether (!) we should test it.
c) I saw Natalie a few days ago. I think it was on Friday. I thought she was long to Germany, because despite the fact that were practically neighbours, I havent seen her for years. Thanks to this abrupt encounter, I understand now whom Giuna reminds me of. Except for As geeky behavior, germophobia and Giuna being hot and smart at the same time, my attitude towards both of them was\is almost the same [in a brotherly way] .
d) Speaking of brotherly feelings and GiunaHe reminds me of my Class-B (Class-A is reserved for those I'm attracted to in my "The Perfect Man theory" ) asshole cousin, because when it comes to women, these two have so much in common its almost scary. Like I said the other day: , , . I admit, it sounded a little grotesque and pompous, but its true + we all know my lavish passion for histrionics.
Over and above, George (that doesnt sound right, so Ill stick to Giuna) is like my very personal but rare anesthetic. I dont talk much about myself to other people, but when Im down and willing to share whats bothering me, his words never fail to have painkiller effect on me. He has this natural talent for pep talk mixed with realism, despite the fact that his brain is more or less fucked up too. Maybe its because we dont talk much, or see each other for that matter, and its novelty of our conversations, that makes me feel different, like theres still something out there. Despite my lifestyle, Im a serious novelty junkie.
e) Guess, Ill have to go and blow the candles now, but Im not going to make a wish.
f) Last, but not least, WHERE IS MY FABULOUS DKNY CASHMERE PERFUME!?!?!?!!?!?! I can't find it anywhere! :weep3:
g) Last, but not least: Take Two. I need to do something with my language. As natural as it feels to me, I cant find the right words in Russian and its starting to piss me off, because its causing communication problems or makes me sound mediocre.* yuck* , , , , , . .

z) The more I read this book the more Im starting to realize that the only way for me to have a normal serious relationship is if I find Dali of my own. And I dread to read it any faster or finish it, becausewell, for a number of reasons.
Theres no man in this world Id rather be with. Id be willing to give up a lot to be HIS Gala. But, chances are, Im never going to find anyone like Him, at least not in this lifetime. Then again, I have another 20 years or so ahead of me, to change my mind and get myself an empty shell with potential and fill it with what I want it to be. (Which is something Id like to avoid, because no matter how much you mould, sculpt and sugarcoat someone, deep down he\she is going to stay the same hollow person, but with a different MO.)

@: delusion of possession, Obsession, HDA, EW 101, DM, C'est la vie

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10:15 

Infamous Impostor

I abhor worrywart people. They always try to make a huge deal out of things. They are annoying that way. I told mom that if she wanted to get her write that damn thing, she shouldn't have been so straightforward. Sometimes, you have to be manipulative, especially when it's in your best interest and your intentions are pure. Emotional manipulation was our best shot, but mom decided to keep him out of it. So, I don't think that she'll consent to this. Then again, I don't think that these things are going to play a huge role in our case. Then again...then again I tend to be wrong, when I think otherwise.


@: fed up

@: C'est la vie, EW 101, HDA

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20:30 

Infamous Impostor
People don't make choices - people make excuses. It explains everything, and most importantly it shows you why most of them are nothing but pathetic excuses for human beings.

@: BendingCorners - Cinematic Jazz Scenes

@: inspired

@: EW 101, delusion of possession

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12:11 

Infamous Impostor

"...walk and chew gum at the same time"

 

Bull shit...I'm sure they can, but they never will. Worthless, ignorant people!


@: pissed

@: C'est la vie, EW 101

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19:51 

godsend

Infamous Impostor
Man, I love my laptop with all its contents! There's so much you don't expect to find, like things that were long forgotten as if they never existed. But they did, and boy arent those things priceless!? :evil:

@: cracking up :evil:

@: EW 101, DM

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00:19 

Infamous Impostor

Dear diary, *that's a tacky one, but I'm in the mood for some lame pompus action* :evil:

It's a new day and I don't wanna jinx it, but things are already looking up for me. If my feet weren't killing me, I would be doing the YMCA dance)))...but since, I can't really walk, let alone dance, and I'm tryin' to stick to being normal and keeping low-profile these days, no fandango for me tonight)

 

 

P.S. Welcome to my twisted world, my Irish friend) I'm really glad you found me :)


@: swell

@: DM, EW 101, and so it is, delusion of possession

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21:04 

lock

Infamous Impostor
,

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16:35 

Infamous Impostor

It's sort of coming back to me...Random flashes of memory, I mean, like the ones in that SATC episode.

It's kind of weird, though. Intense kinda weird.


@: U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

@:  , , EW 101

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10:42 

Sweet Dreams

Infamous Impostor
So much to write about...but I can't. It's not that I'm not trying or anything, whenever or whatever I try to write - it's seems like it's not Me anymore. It's a little hard to explain, it's like I was [voluntarily] dragged outta my happy-miserable place, into the world I was trying to keep myself out of and the thing isWell, it was obvious from the start, that I would dive into this, but the truth is, Im missing somethingsomeone. I miss me, for Chrissake!
For the past month Ive been having my dreams split in two. Not THE dreams, I mean my good night dreams :) Every single night I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, disoriented and agitated. As if Ive lost something very important. Once I realize its gone, I fall asleep again, butin peace, as if I dont care anymore. But I do! I know I do! It can never be the other way around, thats for sure.
It all changed last week; last Friday, to be precise. I was late for a clandestine meeting, so I took a cab, and, as usual, we were driving in silence, because normally Im not a talkative type when it comes to public transportation. The cab driver was trying to adjust the radio, to somehow take the strain off, but the results seemed to be deplorable. Suddenly there it wasa Jazz station. I asked him to leave it: I was finally starting to enjoy myself. I couldnt help but notice that his face changed, his expressions all different, intriguingSo I asked him, if something was wrongLong story short, he turned out to be a musiciana jazz musician. He couldnt stop talking about his passion, but he looked so devastated when he was talking about it. He had a band, he used to play bass guitar, they were all committed to their love for musicThey had their dreams, and hopes and aspirations. They were young, and passionate and willing to do something special about their lives, but then something happenedLife happened. He tripped on reality, and there he was years later: old, family to support, driving a cab. The only thing that remained the same was his love for jazz: no more dreams, no hopes, no nothing. I could go on and tell the whole story, but its not mine to share.
The reason Im writing about it now, is because ever since that Friday night I see this man in my dreams. I can feel his pain and then it becomes so unbearable I wake upin cold sweat, feeling that something is missing...and then I go right back to sleep and forget all about it.
I dont want to forget, but I cant live with pain either.

@: Jane's online radio

@: sleepy)

@:  , HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie

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15:33 

Infamous Impostor
It's a darn slow day and I like it, but I'm so bored! Man, I wish Jane gets well soon.
Can't wait till 7 p.m. I'm goin' to the movies to watch the "it's so embarrassing, I should never say it out loud' movie :gigi:..with someone, I'm not gonna write about, either.

P.S. It's going to be our second movie, first one was *lemme remember* about 2.5 years ago and it was about vampires too, just with a lot of blood and violence instead of cheap romance and lousy performance.

@: DM, EW 101, Motion Picture

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15:12 

In the blues

Infamous Impostor
Another slow day: empty office, jazz, cigarettes and hypochondriacal melancholia =)





@: Norah Jones - New York City

@: EW 101, and so it is, delusion of possession

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01:00 

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Infamous Impostor

Two movie days in a row) Now, this is grand! "Grand. There's a word I really hate. It's phony. I could puke every time I hear it..."

BTW, the movie was great. It really was. So... I really have nothing pompus to add :)


@: would it be tacky if i say i'm sleepy? ahhh, who gives a damn. i'm sleepy)

@: DM, EW 101, Motion Picture, quotes

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13:41 

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Infamous Impostor

It must be It is very selfish of me, I know...I don't feel like coming back home at all, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to know how fucked up and desperate things are, now, that I finally have the luxury of avoiding reality by simply turning my back on it...
But...it's not right. And it's not right for me to be so imperturbable about it, either. I wish I could say that I'm living in the moment, having the time of my life, but that wouldnt have been true.
Im running away from myself, my family thats what it is. But hey, at least I dont feel miserable anymore. Im not sure, thoughI think Im still miserable, but on a whole different level. Its almost like Im on antidepressants: I know its wrong, but I dont want to stop taking them. Im not in any painat least for now. Its wrong and selfish on so many levels. Im becoming this faint-hearted excuse for a human being. I can still hear that one particular voice inside of me, yelling at me, trying to bring me back to my sensesHell, it wants to speak up now, but Im not gonna let it. Im sorry, I really am, but (I) you need to let me beThey all do, I cant take any pressure, Im tired and broken, and Im trying to pick up the piecesand these things are making it hard for me. I know (I) you hate me now, but I deserve a break. I dont know what else to say...I guess...Well, theres something Id like to add, and Im going to hate myself even more for this, but the hell with it: I dont want to be the responsible one; the one thats always there to tell them that its going to be fine; to tell them what to say or how to act; to be a part of it; to be supportive and give the pep-talk, when in reality I dont believe in any of it; to feel like no matter what I do, its not gonna change jack. For once, I want to be this carefree and ignorant kid, who doesnt have all the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore. But why do I feel so guilty, when I say this out loud? It wasnt all that long ago that I couldnt care less about any of it, but things change. I still want out, but want it to happen without my further involvement. Thats right. I want to wake up one day and learn that its over. The nightmare is over, we can all be happy now. Voilà!
What I dont want is to be reminded that were still "in the gutter", because its keeping me from "looking at the stars", even if these shiny little things I see are fireflies, city lights or merely products of my twisted imagination.


@: )

@: quotes, delusion of possession, and so it is, WW, HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie

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cognitive dissonance