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Записи с темой: and so it is (список заголовков)
23:18 

Infamous Impostor
There's something among all those things I've figured out about life that is particularly hard on the target:
You should never give up without a fight, nor should you give up without fighting even if the battle is already lost. (that of course, if you really want to win) Anyway, that's what I used to do all the time ever since I was a little kid. I used to defend my interests and the interests of the people I cared about; there was nothing in the whole white world that could ever shake my keen sense of equity...until I grew up No, that's not it. It took me a long time to realize that there are fights that cannot be won. You can't fight a system if you're not physically IN it.
Maybe one day I'll rise from the ashes*; maybe I’ll even become my old never-give-up-no-matter-what self, but only if it's not too late: before the wind scatters what's left of my ashes.

I believe, what I'm trying to say is that I know I'm putting my ass on the line either ways. I can use the information I have (well, that's all I need to do, the rest will follow) or I can stay out of it. No matter what I do, our lives are depending on it but it's me who is the only one responsible for what I say or decide not to. Not much of choice, that's why I'd rather step up and point them in the (hopefully) right direction.

*there's another thing that i always say to myself that has become my very own stalker quote: hope dies with the hopeful. that's definitely not something i'm particularly happy about - quite the opposite, actually. of course, there's always a way out of it, but it's way too simple. dying is simple, it's living that's hard like hell (even though i don't believe in all that heaven\hell kind of crap). guess, i'll just have to endure it untill my time comes [naturally].


updt:

I almost forgot that no matter what choice I make, it's doomed anyway. Let's face it, it's going to be either bad or even worse. Here's the thing though, I'm sorry but I'm not going to say that I'd rather go for "bad" than for "worse". I'd rather have better options in life even though I have none.
запись создана: 25.09.2009 в 21:16

@настроение: bite me

@темы: and so it is, C'est la vie

02:10 

Infamous Impostor

@настроение: yeah, whatever

@темы: C'est la vie, DM, and so it is

05:51 

Infamous Impostor

@настроение: desolate, forlorn...

@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is, C'est la vie

URL
03:43 

Dear Diary

Infamous Impostor
This space is reserved for one of my special entries. I wrote it sometime ago, but I can't remember what date or month for that matter it was.
I recollect that my room was sinking in chaos - exactly as it is now - mirroring my innermost state of mind.
Since it's all one Hell Hole Groundhog Day to me, I can't really say when I wrote it. It probably doesn't matter, otherwise I would’ve…
What I don't know is why I haven't posted this entry and whether I'll ever do it.
Yes, those probably are the most intimate lines I've ever written and I have this new "open door policy" that doesn't allow me to have those cute little padlocks defiling my page for another indefinite period of time...but, those are not the only reasons.
I can torture myself to get the answer, but I don't really feel like doing it.
I'll just leave this space open in case I ever change my mind.
Cheers

@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is

URL
04:23 

It's ironic, but...

Infamous Impostor
...the things that [are supposed to] make you stronger are [usually] the ones to bring you down. It's easier when it goes the other way around, though.

@музыка: Illinois Jacquet - 'Round Midnight

@настроение: tired, frustrated

@темы: and so it is, HDA, C'est la vie

19:15 

Infamous Impostor

"Everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. Some are well paved. Others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts."

 

You can’t clean it up; can’t repair the cracks either. At the end of the day, standing on your feet is all that really matters. And, maybe tomorrow, with a little bit of hope you’ll wake up and keep on walking.

We’re [physically] alive.
The rest is “Que Sera, Sera”: Whatever Will Be, Will Be.


@темы: C'est la vie, WW, and so it is, quotes

14:41 

Loose ends...

Infamous Impostor

November the 3d has been giving me a major headache for…quite a while now. It seems like I only have 3 options left:

 

a) Leave it alone: take it easy, be rational [class A coward], don’t let emotions get on the way (Pretty much, what I’ve been trying to do all along)

b) Grow a pair and explain everything that I have to say [via “proxy”]
c) Grow a bigger pair and do it all by myself.

Let’s be honest here. There’s no way in hell I’m actually considering option “c”, let alone actually doing it. It’s merely for the entourage. Option “a” is the simplest way, but it’s not a solution.
There are only 2 aspects in my life, where I can’t afford ignorant denial of any kind (or shouldn’t, for that matter) .This means that I have only one option left.

Now, if I do this I’m gonna have to be extremely meticulous: any faux pas will be crucial. I’m having big time trouble finding “the right words” when it comes to this particular aspect, and I’ve grown even worse in explaining my momentous thoughts\feelings in Russian. I need to choose the words very carefully; it doesn’t have to be more dramatic than it already is.

I’m not holding any grudges, I just want to set the record straight.


@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is

18:37 

Infamous Impostor
Although we have de facto nothing in common, there's a reason why we've been friends for so long. I’d like to keep it that way, but it’s been very hard for me to do for the past year and it’s only gonna get worse. [until is reaches its apex…by then nothing will matter] But I’m missing the point…
She, of all people, is the most realistic, level-headed and understanding person: three valuable qualities that don't usually come as a package deal.
Happy Birthday T.



@настроение: crappy

@темы: C'est la vie, DM, and so it is

20:08 

Infamous Impostor

I'm so wrapped up in my own shit that I no longer see anything that's going on with people I still care about. Not a good way to go…Not a good way at all. I don’t know how I’ve come down to this…
Don't want to quote someone who's all words and no action, but the time for change has come.
It's time for change. I don’t know how I’m going to fix things, but I need to come up with something until it’s too late. I've got about 3 months left before something really bad happens and I lose it forever. Until then...and this is the sentence I'm not going to finish in writing.


@темы: EW 101, C'est la vie, and so it is, MHP

22:16 

Infamous Impostor

It's done. :) I got rid of most of my clothes, old stuff and those bits and pieces of life I resent. Now my environment is almost as empty as I am on the inside and... it makes me almost happy.

 


@темы: HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

URL
22:20 

And

Infamous Impostor
It's on! My upcoming birthday is so on ;) So much to do, so little time)))

@темы: DM, EW 101, HDA, Obsession, and so it is

02:22 

Infamous Impostor
And now that it’s out of my system (for a while), I’m gonna re-collect myself and gear up for my upcoming earth-shattering 21st Birthday Party.

@темы: and so it is, DM

13:00 

20:15 11/24/2009

Infamous Impostor

The fact that I’m writing this means that:

 

a) My internet is back.

b) I’m happy to share some details of my birthday.

 

Don’t know where to start…First thing first – it’s so darn good to be wrong every once in a while! :)

I was wrong and I’m happy about it. My birthday, the one that was supposed to be a total disaster, turned out to be the best one I can remember. (Which is sort of not entirely true, because most of memory was erased) :D BUT...It’s a good thing we had a camera to film the whole thing (well, most of it) and let me tell you firsthand – man, that was so fucking hilarious! :D

Who the fuck is John Wayne and why I was impersonating him, is still a top “Laura Palmer's murder” mystery. Man, it was crazy.

Quote (вырезано из контекста ибо инкриминирующее палево) :

-It says PINK.

-Они синие! Они синие! Дорогие зрители это не настоящий Джон Вейн!

But I’m missing the point) Almost every one came, even Chewy did, which was a complete surprise). Chews, I’d be even more eager to express my happiness, but I was too wasted by the time you came. Даже Денис соизволил явиться, его wide open “what the fuck is wrong with these people” глаза я запомню надолго :D

Далее, our hand-made Twister ROCKED! I wanna personally address my gratitude to those, without whom it would’ve been impossible to accomplish: Jenny, Chewy, Sabik & Oleg (for raping & tearing down that poor hard drive) and that Ika guy whom I haven’t seen in person, but I hear he’s one hell of a good looking and awesome fellow (which is not relevant, but still is worth pointing out) :)))

So, I’m 21 now and it feels like I’m still 20 years old: going through a major untimely middle-life crisis))) Plus I feel terrible, because of my escalated cold + hangover. But I gotta say this:

I love tequila. I absolutely love tequila and I’m psychologically attached to it, but it has its downs in the form of hiatus it creates in my brain followed by a terrible, malignant hangover afterwards. And, it’s made me break my three commandments so many times and there was nothing I could do to resist) But those days are over now. (I think…I’ll try…Hmm, maybe?) :D
Anyways, I have this crazy idea; I should host more of these trash tequila soirées. We still have some games to play, the ones we couldn’t play yesterday.
Сейчас пытаюсь вспомнить одну фразу на русском, something about a party being a success if …don’t remember the rest. The party was a success. It was so successful that we didn’t even get to the cake part. Not that I’m complaining, но жаль только что пафосная надпись, которую я заказала для своего торта, так и не увидила свет.) Что до ритуального “загадай желание, задуй свечи”, maybe it’s a good thing. Don’t want to strike a sour note, but those things don’t work anyway, so why bother?) Que Sera, Sera and all)
Soopee…That’s all for this entry. Next one coming right up.


@темы: DM, EW 101, HDA, and so it is

23:04 

Infamous Impostor
My wireless access point keeps dying on me, although it has no reason to. This means that I can't post this entry from my bed and I'll have to move to another room, which annoys me a lot, and since I’m drunk…just makes it even worse. *stupid access point* :bdsm:
So, here it goes...She might not realize it, hell, I might not realize it either, but I’m starting to understand that this is it…
You’re a lifesaver, Jen. I’m not gonna ramble on now, but it’s true. I’m gonna be chasing temporary high now. I don’t care anymore, because as much as it hurts me to admit it,[even in this blissful state of mind] there probably isn’t the permanent high for me anyway, so why bother? Exactly, fuck it.


@настроение: nonchalant

@темы: DM, HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

00:19 

Infamous Impostor

Dear diary, *that's a tacky one, but I'm in the mood for some lame pompus action* :evil:

It's a new day and I don't wanna jinx it, but things are already looking up for me. If my feet weren't killing me, I would be doing the YMCA dance)))...but since, I can't really walk, let alone dance, and I'm tryin' to stick to being normal and keeping low-profile these days, no fandango for me tonight)

 

 

P.S. Welcome to my twisted world, my Irish friend) I'm really glad you found me :)


@настроение: swell

@темы: DM, EW 101, and so it is, delusion of possession

15:12 

In the blues

Infamous Impostor
Another slow day: empty office, jazz, cigarettes and hypochondriacal melancholia =)





@музыка: Norah Jones - New York City

@темы: EW 101, and so it is, delusion of possession

13:41 

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Infamous Impostor

It must be It is very selfish of me, I know...I don't feel like coming back home at all, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to know how fucked up and desperate things are, now, that I finally have the luxury of avoiding reality by simply turning my back on it...
But...it's not right. And it's not right for me to be so imperturbable about it, either. I wish I could say that I'm living in the moment, having the time of my life, but that wouldn’t have been true.
I’m running away from myself, my family – that’s what it is. But hey, at least I don’t feel miserable anymore. I’m not sure, though…I think I’m still miserable, but on a whole different level. It’s almost like I’m on antidepressants: I know it’s wrong, but I don’t want to stop taking them. I’m not in any pain…at least for now. It’s wrong and selfish on so many levels. I’m becoming this faint-hearted excuse for a human being. I can still hear that one particular voice inside of me, yelling at me, trying to bring me back to my senses…Hell, it wants to speak up now, but I’m not gonna let it. I’m sorry, I really am, but (I) you need to let me be…They all do, I can’t take any pressure, I’m tired and broken, and I’m trying to pick up the pieces…and these things are making it hard for me. I know (I) you hate me now, but I deserve a break. I don’t know what else to say...I guess...Well, there’s something I’d like to add, and I’m going to hate myself even more for this, but the hell with it: I don’t want to be the responsible one; the one that’s always there to tell them that it’s going to be fine; to tell them what to say or how to act; to be a part of it; to be supportive and give the pep-talk, when in reality I don’t believe in any of it; to feel like no matter what I do, it’s not gonna change jack. For once, I want to be this carefree and ignorant kid, who doesn’t have all the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore. But why do I feel so guilty, when I say this out loud? It wasn’t all that long ago that I couldn’t care less about any of it, but things change. I still want out, but want it to happen without my further involvement. That’s right. I want to wake up one day and learn that it’s over. The nightmare is over, we can all be happy now. Voilà!
What I don’t want is to be reminded that we’re still "in the gutter", because it’s keeping me from "looking at the stars", even if these shiny little things I see are fireflies, city lights or merely products of my twisted imagination.


@настроение: )

@темы: quotes, delusion of possession, and so it is, WW, HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie

15:48 

Infamous Impostor

Jane visited me today. :kiss: We had a conference call with Chewy 'bout her current\invariable sitiuation.

Chews, hang in there, buddy) As for the other thing... Just remember, when it comes to relationships and all that jazz, it's pretty much the simpler - the better.


And, also...

Guys, I don't say this to a lot of girls (:evil:), well, people in general, cuz I'm pretty much a misanthrope, but I love you both and I love you a lot.


@музыка: Soundgarden - Spoonman

@темы: Мысли вслух, and so it is, EW 101

20:31 

Presents

Infamous Impostor
Perfect. Simply perfect :evil:

@настроение: smug

@темы: DM, and so it is

07:27 

Infamous Impostor
I'm gonna keep this short and simple: White Rabbits are DEAD. Man, they're soooooooo dead!

@музыка: Jazzanova - Bohemian Sunset

@темы: and so it is, DM

cognitive dissonance

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