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06:16 

Infamous Impostor
I'm going to make a promise to myself and I'm going to try till the bitter end to keep it, because otherwise what's the fucking point of my life?
I'm going to join crossfit and become very strong and tone. I'm never going to smoke again (vaping doesn't count...yet). I'm going to save this fucking semester and wing it, even though it's going to be very hard to do at this point, but I'll do my best. I'm going to keep my 2 jobs and, hopefully, I'll get a third one at a hospital. I'm going to start making enough money to move out and finally live on my own. I'm going to move the fuck out and finally enjoy peace and quiet. And I'll keep working very hard to maintain that lifestyle. And then the time will come and I will graduate. I'll start paying off my student loans, while working possibly two jobs and taking pre-requisits for grad school at a community college. And maybe a year or year and a half later I will apply to USC Keck...and maybe even some other schools in other states. I will get into the program, whichever one I will qualify for most and will make ME happy. And two years later I will finally become a physicians assistant and I'll start making loads of money, which I will spend on traveling the world.
And this entire time from the starting point to the desired destination, I will never ever again let another human being drag me down and make me feel miserable. And I will fuck every single man in uniform I want but I won't let any of them close ever again. And who knows, somewhere down the line I will meet the person that I will truly and fully love, who will be an accomplished, happy person and will love me just the same.
AND NOBODY....IN ALL OF OZ
NO wizard that there is or WAS
IS EVER GONNA BRING ME DOWN!

@темы: and so it is, HDA, C'est la vie

10:44 

Infamous Impostor
I realize it's been quite a fucking while and I keep asking why, but I don't know the answer. As of right now, the voice in my head is telling me that it's because at some point I stopped reflecting and started reacting instead. From an active process, my life became passive somewhere down the line. I think all the time, but I rarely reflect on anything that is going on around me... and that's just not the kind of person I used to be. I used to feel everything so deeply and had this wide range of emotions, and slowly but surely enough it went away. So, now I just react... I feel what I think I'm supposed to be feeling in a given situation, but do I really feel that way? I don't know... I.simply.don't.know. Was I always like that? I'm very confused...

After what happened today I just felt the need to come here and talk about it. It was not okay. I was not okay. I am not okay, and my whole body was kind enough to make me realize that. I'm hopeful. I hope that if I write about it, it'll go away... It used to work back in the day. I would open this page and let it all out, good or bad, and it would go away. Clean slate. I would re-read it later, but it was like none of it ever happened to me. So, maybe this pain that I didn't think was there will just go away.

"Lay down in a supine position, your head facing the blackboard. We're at the warehouse. You fell down from 15' and your chief complaint is pain in the back, neck, and chest. You are alert and verbal. I'll be asnwering the key questions, anything else they ask you, you can make that up."

I lie down on the floor and look at the celling, as the instructor leaves the room to grab the "emts" to run the scenario. It's a little bit uncomforable, I don't like looking at the celling; something about the lighting is causing me to sign...
Flash. I'm at the hospital

The emts come in, one of them stabilizes my head.
Flash. "You got into an accident. We are here to help you. What's your name? Are you in any pain?"

I want to close my eyes and I feel my whole body tensing up. I don't like the fact that one of "Emts" is holding my head. He's pressing too hard on my temples. Is he?
Flash. I'm seeing the blurry faces looking down on me. I'm scared, I don't know what's going to happen to me. They're not telling my anything. I don't know what's wrong!

I'm starting to feel a little nauseous. I don't understand what is going on. All I want it get up and say "STOP! I can't do this! I don't want to be a patient again!" I try to calm myself down, I'm talking to myself in my head as I'm trying to answer the questions I'm being bombarded with by my classmates. "No, I don't have any allergies. No, I'm not taking any medications. Yes, I had surgery on my femur."
Flash. There are silent tears running down my cheeks. I wish I had died. That crash was so comforting. For that a split second right before it happened, everything in the world seized to matter. I was calm, I knew exactly what was coming and I was ready for it. But now I'm here and I don't know if my life will ever be the same again.

I close my eyes for a second. The nausea keeps getting worse. My hands are going numb. "Hang in there, Gala. Stop being a little bitch. You can't fuck this exercise up for these guys. Suck it the fuck up." But there's another voice in my head crying out for help, begging me to make it stop. I can't... There's something wrong with my hands. I feel tingling in both of my hands. "They're gonna put you on a backboard, Gala. You need to end this now!"

I CAN'T I CAN'T I'M SORRY I JUST CAN'T!

I sit up... My hands are still tingly, my head is now spinning. "What's wrong?!"
I slur my words. "I... It... I just relived... It's like my accident all over again. I can't do this. I'm sorry."

It's over. My heart is racing, I'm trying to breathe normally, my hands are still tingly.

And I'm just not okay... Two hours later I walk up to my car, get in, and I just break down. I can't cry or smoke. I'm not okay. The only thought running through my head "all those psych classes that talked about ptsd... it's real. i have it. it broke me inside and out." I take the streets, I can't bring myself to get on the freeway.

I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.

09:56 

Infamous Impostor
For Good... :'(

05:32 

Infamous Impostor
Defying gravity :evil:

@темы: EW 101

09:07 

Infamous Impostor
I just stopped by to acknowledge the fact that my awesomeness has no limits. Sometimes I surprise myself. :gigi:

@темы: EW 101

08:39 

Infamous Impostor
...and all of it is an integral part of life. :)

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, HDA, and so it is

05:56 

Infamous Impostor
That strange feeling when you just take it easy... out of nowhere.

@темы: and so it is, EW 101, C'est la vie

09:55 

Infamous Impostor
*voice in the background* ну сколько можно? :'(

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101

URL
11:54 

GFS encounter. #hcc

Infamous Impostor
That feeling you get when you accidentally catch your reflection in the mirror and you see it radiating pure happiness. And then you realize that you're scared of being happy, because of how momentary it has been for the past forever. I no longer I want to control my emotions. I like being happy, even if it's not gonna last. By now I should be able to pick up the pieces after shit hits the fan. I'll deal with the heartbreak later. I'm gonna try and be happy here and now.


@темы: and so it is, EW 101, DM, C'est la vie

12:25 

Infamous Impostor
I expected many things from her, but not this. I feel like there are no words to actually describe how shocked I am right now. I believe I still don't really comprehend the severity of this whole situation.

URL
20:33 

Infamous Impostor
This whole thing was just borderline weird.

09:49 

Infamous Impostor
Последние 10 дней моей жизни были просто неимоверно печальными.
How much longer till I get my closure? Will I ever get it?

@настроение: =\

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101

15:24 

Infamous Impostor
My last performance on GCC stage.

@настроение: sad, but not because of that...and also, not because of that either. just existentially sad.

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, and so it is

23:49 

Infamous Impostor
Things are finally looking up. I am going to USC, which, if you look at the bigger picture, is much better than the rest of the schools I applied to.


@темы: EW 101, HDA

URL
15:28 

Infamous Impostor
I'm either the biggest loser or completely worthless. Maybe even both.

@темы: C'est la vie

URL
13:27 

Rollercoaster

Infamous Impostor
Unhappy.

URL
08:28 

Infamous Impostor
Robert passed away last night.
Thank you for being like a father to me when I was a child. Thank you for believing in me.
I am sorry for not being there when I should have...
Rest in peace.


@настроение: sad

@темы: DM, C'est la vie

05:09 

Infamous Impostor
Oh well.

@темы: HDA, and so it is

14:43 

Tidbits

Infamous Impostor
Got pulled over by a cop for the first time.
G made me squirt.
Goddamit.

@настроение: fucking amazing

@темы: DM, EW 101

22:42 

Jazz Vocal Ensemble @ 85th Anniversary

Infamous Impostor
I'm part of gala concert today. No pun intended :gigi:

@темы: DM

cognitive dissonance

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