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10:44 

Infamous Impostor
I realize it's been quite a fucking while and I keep asking why, but I don't know the answer. As of right now, the voice in my head is telling me that it's because at some point I stopped reflecting and started reacting instead. From an active process, my life became passive somewhere down the line. I think all the time, but I rarely reflect on anything that is going on around me... and that's just not the kind of person I used to be. I used to feel everything so deeply and had this wide range of emotions, and slowly but surely enough it went away. So, now I just react... I feel what I think I'm supposed to be feeling in a given situation, but do I really feel that way? I don't know... I.simply.don't.know. Was I always like that? I'm very confused...

After what happened today I just felt the need to come here and talk about it. It was not okay. I was not okay. I am not okay, and my whole body was kind enough to make me realize that. I'm hopeful. I hope that if I write about it, it'll go away... It used to work back in the day. I would open this page and let it all out, good or bad, and it would go away. Clean slate. I would re-read it later, but it was like none of it ever happened to me. So, maybe this pain that I didn't think was there will just go away.

"Lay down in a supine position, your head facing the blackboard. We're at the warehouse. You fell down from 15' and your chief complaint is pain in the back, neck, and chest. You are alert and verbal. I'll be asnwering the key questions, anything else they ask you, you can make that up."

I lie down on the floor and look at the celling, as the instructor leaves the room to grab the "emts" to run the scenario. It's a little bit uncomforable, I don't like looking at the celling; something about the lighting is causing me to sign...
Flash. I'm at the hospital

The emts come in, one of them stabilizes my head.
Flash. "You got into an accident. We are here to help you. What's your name? Are you in any pain?"

I want to close my eyes and I feel my whole body tensing up. I don't like the fact that one of "Emts" is holding my head. He's pressing too hard on my temples. Is he?
Flash. I'm seeing the blurry faces looking down on me. I'm scared, I don't know what's going to happen to me. They're not telling my anything. I don't know what's wrong!

I'm starting to feel a little nauseous. I don't understand what is going on. All I want it get up and say "STOP! I can't do this! I don't want to be a patient again!" I try to calm myself down, I'm talking to myself in my head as I'm trying to answer the questions I'm being bombarded with by my classmates. "No, I don't have any allergies. No, I'm not taking any medications. Yes, I had surgery on my femur."
Flash. There are silent tears running down my cheeks. I wish I had died. That crash was so comforting. For that a split second right before it happened, everything in the world seized to matter. I was calm, I knew exactly what was coming and I was ready for it. But now I'm here and I don't know if my life will ever be the same again.

I close my eyes for a second. The nausea keeps getting worse. My hands are going numb. "Hang in there, Gala. Stop being a little bitch. You can't fuck this exercise up for these guys. Suck it the fuck up." But there's another voice in my head crying out for help, begging me to make it stop. I can't... There's something wrong with my hands. I feel tingling in both of my hands. "They're gonna put you on a backboard, Gala. You need to end this now!"

I CAN'T I CAN'T I'M SORRY I JUST CAN'T!

I sit up... My hands are still tingly, my head is now spinning. "What's wrong?!"
I slur my words. "I... It... I just relived... It's like my accident all over again. I can't do this. I'm sorry."

It's over. My heart is racing, I'm trying to breathe normally, my hands are still tingly.

And I'm just not okay... Two hours later I walk up to my car, get in, and I just break down. I can't cry or smoke. I'm not okay. The only thought running through my head "all those psych classes that talked about ptsd... it's real. i have it. it broke me inside and out." I take the streets, I can't bring myself to get on the freeway.

I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.

09:44 

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07:07 

Infamous Impostor
People are important.

@настроение: =)

@темы: HDA, and so it is

11:15 

Infamous Impostor
Вот тебе и 19 лет :gigi: Сёрфер, мотоциклист, басист, инжинер.... и ну не даешь этому всему 19 лет :shuffle2:

@темы: EW 101, DM

13:13 

Infamous Impostor
Я очень благодарна вселенной за то что она мне послала Мэта :) Anyway you slice it, it all boils down to people around you. I can call myself anti-social all I want, but I'm not. I'm very much social and awesome...I'm fucking awesome and I love my life!
And I like the guy I raced topless to the stop sign :gigi:

@настроение: ы!

@темы: DM, and so it is

06:30 

Infamous Impostor
I'm so happy I just want to punch myself :lol:

@настроение: =)))))

@темы: HDA, DM, and so it is

10:40 

Infamous Impostor
It took me 1 year and 8 months to find a friend in this country. It is a really big deal for me, since I don't make friends easily. Frienship was is sacred. Especially after that fiasco with people who were my friends, family even, it's been even harder. I've almost given up on the idea of ever finding people to hang out with: people that I actually liked and I could have meaningful and, at the same time, fun conversations with; people who would take me as I am and liked me for that. It is incredibly difficult to perceive or explain even how hard it is to snap out of the state of complete existential crisis, especially when you are absolutely alone in this ginormous world. This world doesn't care about you, so at some point you stop caring about yourself. That's what happened to me. But, like I told Matt, I'm done with this shit.
I was wrong, and I couldn't be happier about it.
I can honestly say that I am really happy and I love my life here as it is, because there's a lot to it I've been missing out on. And, from now on, it's going to be even better.
So, yeah! Fuck everything that's happened. I've got this whole world in front of me at the tips of my fingers. Might as well enjoy, G. Just like you've always wanted.

@настроение: оказывается я так давно не смеялась)

@темы: DM, HDA, and so it is

01:59 

Infamous Impostor

Нумерология по дате рождения, имени и другим данным
""
Основные увлечения это философия и религия. Зачастую история.
Разговорчивы, бодры и динамичны.

Ваша положительная энергия способна распространяться вокруг вас, настолько интенсивно и заразительно, что порой вас это пугает.
Терпеливый человек.
Делец.
Не подпустит к себе близко никого, кто не разделяет его взглядов и намерений.
Постоянно стремятся к доминированию и власти. Но приобретя власть и положение в обществе зачастую не знаю что с этим делать.
Ваше оружие это обаяние и симпатия людей к вам. Вам совершенно не нужно взламывать замки вам проще обаять сторожа. Вам гораздо проще найти подход к учителю и обаять ( или обмануть чего уж тут скрывать) его, чем учить экзамен. Талантливый организатор направить или научить других - вам гораздо проще, чем сделать самому.
Вы ставить свою жизнь так, что кажетесь незаменимым. Вы упорны в работе и серьезны по отношению к другим людям. Стремление к успеху не должно перерастать в фанатизм, вы должны уметь во время остановиться и сделать передышку. Практически не поддаетесь внешним колебаниям и давлению.
Пройти тест - Нумерология по дате рождения, имени и другим даннымДень Рождения: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1112 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
Месяц Рождения: январь февраль март апрель май июнь июль август сентябрь октябрь ноябрь декабрь
Год Рождения:
Имя:
Ведущая рука: Правая Левая Обе
Цвет глаз: Синий Голубой СерыйЗеленыйЯнтарныйКарийЧерный
Цвет волос: Брюнет Шатен РыжийРусыйБлондин




@темы: DM

11:35 

Infamous Impostor
I miss my inspiration.
I miss you so much.
I miss me.

@настроение: )

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, and so it is, HDA

09:48 

an overgeneralized, but nonetheless highly applicable, piece of wisdom

Infamous Impostor
Lower your expectations, and people might surprise you; lift expectations up - prepare to be disappointed.


@темы: just a thought

10:59 

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19:39 

Infamous Impostor
Here you are knowing that someone loves you so deep, he’s willing to give you the whole world. At least his world, which he thinks should be enough. And you really can’t deny the fact that even though you’re not sure you love him, or that he’s the right man for you, you still enjoy it. It still feels good to be worshipped but time to time you can’t help it wonder if this so-called huge fan of yours is someone you will eventually selflessly love back. Then you start thinking that it’s better than to be all alone and you know that no friend can be an equal substitute for what you have now. “Friends will be friends. When you’re in need of LOVE, they give you CARE and ATTENTION”; they don’t give you love, not the kind you need. Even though it seems hard for most, to be loved the way they want to, it’s way much harder to love, to feel the same as the person who cherishes you. As it goes on and on you start thinking that you really are better of alone until something real shows up. You have no idea when it is going to happen, because you’re so tired of looking\testing the waters , you’re not sure if you’re ever going to fall in love and stay that way without having to overstep yourself.
What you do feel is when the right person heaves in sight, you’ll know he’s the real deal; the one you can share Your world with. Then you’ll have it all: all that butterflies in you stomach, THE Excitement, THE Passion, THE Love you were waiting for. God, I miss that feeling!
I guess, I’ll just keep looking, because that is something worth hoping for, isn’t it?

@темы: Размышления, Чувства

15:43 

The Story of My Life

Infamous Impostor
- Everybody wants to be happy.
- Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.



©

@настроение: elated

@темы: quotes, delusion of possession

20:30 

Infamous Impostor
"Вот была у тебя собачка и она умерла. После этого сразу не заводят собачек... тем более дворняжек." © Jane

@настроение: :up:

@темы: WW, quotes

09:30 

22

Infamous Impostor
Переходный год между моими самыми ожидаемыми годами - 21 и 23. Я уже успела убить частичку своей жизни - айпод, поплакать, поразмышлять о жизни, ещё поплакать. Надеюсь это последние слезы и смерть айпода в этом году моей жизни.

@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is, EW 101, C'est la vie

11:23 

11:23 (Diary's clock is off)

Infamous Impostor
It's been a long year, long being a euphemism for shitty and wasteful. I have only one New Year's resolution this year, which, I believe, is the most important one at this point of my life. And, let's leave it at that.

@настроение: not as bad as expected

@темы: DM, and so it is

12:55 

Infamous Impostor

A year ago on this very day I was the happiest person in this world. I had it all: close friends who went through fire and water with me; a loved one, who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with and make it "ours"; a bright and amazing future I had been looking for for almost 7 years; terrific memories and even more terrific expectations ahead. Yes, I had it all.

 

Today is my special birthday - 23/23. Today I'm the loneliest and saddest person in this very same world that once made me feel so happy and inspired. It feels like the end of the world, the only difference is that I'm alone in this apocalypse. I do still have a little faith: I want to believe that whatever happen - happens for a reason, because otherwise my life does not make any sense. I just want it to get better. I want to be able to feel that happiness I had a year ago. But the truth is, I'm so lost that I don't think I'll be found ever again.

 

 


@темы: C'est la vie, DM, HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

13:59 

Infamous Impostor
Once you in the system, it will always find you and bite you right in the ass.

@настроение: *sigh*

@темы: C'est la vie

04:21 

Infamous Impostor
Hi Gala,

Thank you for the kind note. I'm glad you found the class rewarding (that's a better word than horrifying, right?). And I'm glad I added you to the roster on the second day of class. I appreciated your lucid contributions to class discussions and the discussions we had after class.

Your essay will be waiting for you in my office. I'll see you in
October.

Best wishes,

Shant

@настроение: счастлива

@темы: HDA

09:55 

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