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Записи с темой: delusion of possession (список заголовков)
13:04 

Insipid.

Infamous Impostor
It is absolutely incredible how much I love this life. And yet, I do not have the faintest idea how to live it.

Am I ever going to learn?

Am I ever going to live?


Am I going to regain my voice? All that silence has been building up inside, causing me to stop fighting and succumb to it. I stopped caring about myself entirely. It is not the way to go, is it now? I do not know how to snap out of it. I do not even trust myself to put my shit together, scream, and break out of the shell I have driven myself into. I do not know how to help myself anymore. I just know that no possessions can ever fill that hole inside of me. Somewhere along the line it all stopped making sense to me.
I remember being miserable but inspired: inspired and in love with the world around and inside of me. Now I am neither. I believe this is what real numbness feels like. At some point that girl that used to be me stopped pounding on the door of my consciousness, and silence fell upon me. I do not know what it is going to take to breathe life into her.
They say desperate diseases must have desperate cures, so, I guess it is going to take living to cure insipidity.

I am going to live.

And, I will learn. . . eventually.



@музыка: Prince & The Revolution - Purple Rain

@настроение: numb

@темы: C'est la vie, delusion of possession

11:42 

Infamous Impostor
I have forgotten what it is like to love myself. . .

@настроение: none?

@темы: delusion of possession, C'est la vie

URL
14:15 

Infamous Impostor
I used to make so many mistakes and yet I put so much of my soul into every single word that I had written. I still make mistakes, but somehow my soul is no longer in them. It has become so faded that I have no idea where to find the spark that will make my soul shine through my writting again.

I need you now more than ever...

@настроение: )

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

02:57 

Infamous Impostor
Nobel Prize 1933. As I kept reading the lecture slide, my mind took me to Cornell. My heart started racing as if I had seen the love of my life. Must be Cornell, I thought. Next thing I hear is Dr. Mauk saying the research was conducted at Cornell.
It felt so surreal: one of the reasons why I want to study psychology . . . and at Cornell.

@настроение: fascinated

@темы: DM, HDA, MHP, delusion of possession

05:56 

The Imporance of Being. . . Gestalt

Infamous Impostor
Procrastinating.
Putting off.
Stalling.

It is inconceivable how much my life depends on the limited right combinations of words; words that once used to flow from my fingers, revealing the depth of my soul - a translucent reflection of my mind. It feels like somewhere along the line I have lost my touch. My ability to feel myself is disappearing, and numbness is taking over my existence.
It is ironic: I used to talk about numbness, and yet, when I look back I realize I knew nothing about it. I was alive, I was. . . myself. Somehow, the reality I am living in is trying to push me into a different direction, where thought and reason prevail over feelings. My soul is being ripped apart, its reflection worn out, bitter. . . stronger. (?)
I know the answers about life, but I forgot how to ask questions. I hope that one of these days is a turning point that will bring myself together: blasé, absorbed, whole.

@настроение: *sigh*

@темы: delusion of possession, coming someday, and so it is, MHP, HDA, C'est la vie

08:40 

12:40 AM

Infamous Impostor
... а сигареты есть всегда.

@настроение: смешанное)

@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is, MHP, HDA, C'est la vie

09:55 

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Infamous Impostor
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

URL
06:40 

Infamous Impostor
Whenever she got obsessed and made herself imprint on something, she would completely lose her ability to think straight. The ultimate desire to have, to achieve, drove her mad. Fortunately, life had been very generous and never let her pursue those outrageous endeavors; otherwise, she would've ended up smashing into the wall that was a little too thick for her to take on.

I'm wholeheartedly grateful for having my head still intact and believe
there is a time
for everything. Let us see how it plays out this time.

@музыка: Frost* - Million Town

@темы: MHP, delusion of possession, HDA

10:37 

Infamous Impostor

She was so overwhelmed that couldn't stop erasing every single line she wrote. She did believe in justice being served in the end, at least, she knew that is was served in his case. But what about all those people who saw and heard everything. but still did nothing? Why didn't those callous cowards step up and do the right thing? She sured hoped they were punished too, maybe even more than those murderers and their families did. It's not evil that possesses people and makes this world an ugly and atrocious place, it's cowardice, ignorance, and indifference that people possess.

 

I do love you life, you know. I still do. It's just, sometimes you don't make any sense. I want to believe that his death wasn't in vain as much as I'm making my life to be.


@настроение: upset

@темы: C'est la vie, delusion of possession

15:43 

The Story of My Life

Infamous Impostor
- Everybody wants to be happy.
- Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.



©

@настроение: elated

@темы: quotes, delusion of possession

09:50 

Infamous Impostor

I could never understand "alcoholism." Alcohol doesn't silence pain, nor does it make the world seem like a place worth living any more than a lucid eye perceives it to be. Alcohol or no alcohol - it's all bullshit; it's all a matter of how you look at things. Things . . . God, I hate that word. (puke)

 

 


@настроение: exhausted

@темы: delusion of possession

12:55 

Infamous Impostor

A year ago on this very day I was the happiest person in this world. I had it all: close friends who went through fire and water with me; a loved one, who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with and make it "ours"; a bright and amazing future I had been looking for for almost 7 years; terrific memories and even more terrific expectations ahead. Yes, I had it all.

 

Today is my special birthday - 23/23. Today I'm the loneliest and saddest person in this very same world that once made me feel so happy and inspired. It feels like the end of the world, the only difference is that I'm alone in this apocalypse. I do still have a little faith: I want to believe that whatever happen - happens for a reason, because otherwise my life does not make any sense. I just want it to get better. I want to be able to feel that happiness I had a year ago. But the truth is, I'm so lost that I don't think I'll be found ever again.

 

 


@темы: C'est la vie, DM, HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

10:50 

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Infamous Impostor
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

URL
10:12 

Infamous Impostor
How can one know and understand that without losing one's sanity?

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, and so it is, coming someday, delusion of possession

10:44 

Infamous Impostor
It's only fair for me to say that I haven't had any epiphanies for quite a while now. I do not see it happening in the nearest future, but I do, however, hope that it changes soon. I guess, what I wanted to say here is that life in itself is nothing; it's always been people, books, music, and even movies to inspire and lend wings to me to fly. Fly... I forgot how it feels like to be taken places, seeing things beyond imagination. It's sad, but I know it's still somewhere deep inside me: all I need is a little push. A push from a cliff, perhaps, and a fall to get me right where I belong: buried deep in the cold ocean of clairvoyance.

 


Spring
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

To what purpose, April, do you return again?
Beauty is not enough.
You can no longer quiet me with the redness
Of little leaves opening stickily.
I know what I know.
The sun is hot on my neck as I observe
The spikes of the crocus.
The smell of the earth is good.
It is apparent that there is no death.
But what does that signify?
Not only under ground are the brains of men
Eaten by maggots.
Life in itself
Is nothing,
An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.
It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,
April
Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.


And I miss seasons, too. Do not tell anyone)

@музыка: Stereophonics - Bright Red Star

@настроение: nostalgic

@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is, C'est la vie

10:23 

Infamous Impostor

It seems to me that the most important and life-changing moments in my life are destined to be killing me with suspense: thousands of miles apart... just a phone call away.

 

P.S. uh, the irony of the timestamp...


@темы: just a thought, delusion of possession, and so it is, HDA, EW 101, DM, C'est la vie

03:20 

Infamous Impostor

"Lumen said I gave her her life back, a reversal of my usual role. Well, the fact is, she gave me mine back too. And I'm left not with what she took from me, but with what she brought. Eyes that saw me, finally, for who I really am. And this certainty. That nothing, nothing is set in stone. Not even darkness. While she was here, she made me think, for the briefest moment, that I might even have a chance to be human. But wishes, of course, are for children." ©

 

... and it made me realize that I should never draw hasty conclusions. It didn't work out, then again nothing ever is "set in stone".


@темы: EW 101, WW, delusion of possession, quotes

14:54 

Infamous Impostor

I tried writing about my new beginning in life, the one that I've been craving for for the past forever, but I can't do that. It's not me. I don't want to describe any of it.

I can only say that dreams and waiting for them to come true are far more intense and priceless, than experiencing them first hand after years of thinking you might never make it. It was nothing like I'd ever imagined. It wasn't special, or lifechanging or anything else: it was just the way it should have been. Even when I saw my family rushing towards us at the airport, as I'd started crying, I was crying for a whole different reason; for the same reason I'd spent my whole flight to Amsterdam with a handkerchief.

This is the only thing that is actually me - feel things, express emotions for all the wrong reasons. But hey, whatever makes me whole...

 

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

So, I'll try to stay as quiet as possible, because otherwise I'll end up crying my heart out, and this is something I cannot afford right now.


@темы: C'est la vie, delusion of possession

23:10 

Infamous Impostor

That's all, Folks. I filled in all the blanks, and by that I mean I wrote [almost] every single "coming someday" entry, and I think my headache is [almost] gone. Now, all I have to do is enjoy as much as I can those couple of days left with my dear friends and my loved one.

 

I'm leaving Tbilisi, Georgia this Saturday at 6 am. A couple of years ago at the International House, my teacher asked the class a question: "If you ever leave your country for good, what will you miss most?" Needless to say, the answer had to be out of the box and insightful. The only thing I could think of was my father's and my grandfather's graves, because, honestly, there wasn't a single thing, a memory or a person I would miss for the world. All I wanted was to get as soon and as far away from this shit-hole as possible, and there was nothing in the entire world that could ever change that.

Years went by in a blink of an eye and here I am... my whole world torn inside out. I have it all now: people who are dear to my soul; priceless memories, different from the ones that have been haunting me from almost the very beginning of my life; things that represent those people and all those memories attached to them. All of it makes my present answer to the question mediocre, but I couldn't care less. It gave my life a greater meaning; it changed its purpose and that's what really matters. I'm going to miss you, all of you, but mostly I'm going to miss us. And don't you people dare disappear from my life!

I know you know this, but I'm going to say this anyway - I love you, guys and I really mean it. For what it's worth, we still have our whole lives ahead of us, so trust me when I say it's not the end, but merely a "to be continued"...


@темы: and so it is, HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie, quotes, just a thought, delusion of possession, coming someday

15:00 

Infamous Impostor

"If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith: I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again." ©

 

And that was a lie, although not a complete one. Having said that he lied. And so do I...


@музыка: Jude - I Know

@настроение: tired

@темы: quotes, EW 101, delusion of possession, WW

cognitive dissonance

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