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: and so it is ( )
13:41 

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Infamous Impostor

It must be It is very selfish of me, I know...I don't feel like coming back home at all, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to know how fucked up and desperate things are, now, that I finally have the luxury of avoiding reality by simply turning my back on it...
But...it's not right. And it's not right for me to be so imperturbable about it, either. I wish I could say that I'm living in the moment, having the time of my life, but that wouldnt have been true.
Im running away from myself, my family thats what it is. But hey, at least I dont feel miserable anymore. Im not sure, thoughI think Im still miserable, but on a whole different level. Its almost like Im on antidepressants: I know its wrong, but I dont want to stop taking them. Im not in any painat least for now. Its wrong and selfish on so many levels. Im becoming this faint-hearted excuse for a human being. I can still hear that one particular voice inside of me, yelling at me, trying to bring me back to my sensesHell, it wants to speak up now, but Im not gonna let it. Im sorry, I really am, but (I) you need to let me beThey all do, I cant take any pressure, Im tired and broken, and Im trying to pick up the piecesand these things are making it hard for me. I know (I) you hate me now, but I deserve a break. I dont know what else to say...I guess...Well, theres something Id like to add, and Im going to hate myself even more for this, but the hell with it: I dont want to be the responsible one; the one thats always there to tell them that its going to be fine; to tell them what to say or how to act; to be a part of it; to be supportive and give the pep-talk, when in reality I dont believe in any of it; to feel like no matter what I do, its not gonna change jack. For once, I want to be this carefree and ignorant kid, who doesnt have all the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore. But why do I feel so guilty, when I say this out loud? It wasnt all that long ago that I couldnt care less about any of it, but things change. I still want out, but want it to happen without my further involvement. Thats right. I want to wake up one day and learn that its over. The nightmare is over, we can all be happy now. Voilà!
What I dont want is to be reminded that were still "in the gutter", because its keeping me from "looking at the stars", even if these shiny little things I see are fireflies, city lights or merely products of my twisted imagination.


@: )

@: quotes, delusion of possession, and so it is, WW, HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie

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15:12 

In the blues

Infamous Impostor
Another slow day: empty office, jazz, cigarettes and hypochondriacal melancholia =)





@: Norah Jones - New York City

@: EW 101, and so it is, delusion of possession

URL
00:19 

Infamous Impostor

Dear diary, *that's a tacky one, but I'm in the mood for some lame pompus action* :evil:

It's a new day and I don't wanna jinx it, but things are already looking up for me. If my feet weren't killing me, I would be doing the YMCA dance)))...but since, I can't really walk, let alone dance, and I'm tryin' to stick to being normal and keeping low-profile these days, no fandango for me tonight)

 

 

P.S. Welcome to my twisted world, my Irish friend) I'm really glad you found me :)


@: swell

@: DM, EW 101, and so it is, delusion of possession

URL
23:04 

Infamous Impostor
My wireless access point keeps dying on me, although it has no reason to. This means that I can't post this entry from my bed and I'll have to move to another room, which annoys me a lot, and since Im drunkjust makes it even worse. *stupid access point* :bdsm:
So, here it goes...She might not realize it, hell, I might not realize it either, but Im starting to understand that this is it
Youre a lifesaver, Jen. Im not gonna ramble on now, but its true. Im gonna be chasing temporary high now. I dont care anymore, because as much as it hurts me to admit it,[even in this blissful state of mind] there probably isnt the permanent high for me anyway, so why bother? Exactly, fuck it.


@: nonchalant

@: DM, HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

URL
13:00 

20:15 11/24/2009

Infamous Impostor

The fact that Im writing this means that:

 

a) My internet is back.

b) Im happy to share some details of my birthday.

 

Dont know where to startFirst thing first its so darn good to be wrong every once in a while! :)

I was wrong and Im happy about it. My birthday, the one that was supposed to be a total disaster, turned out to be the best one I can remember. (Which is sort of not entirely true, because most of memory was erased) :D BUT...Its a good thing we had a camera to film the whole thing (well, most of it) and let me tell you firsthand man, that was so fucking hilarious! :D

Who the fuck is John Wayne and why I was impersonating him, is still a top Laura Palmer's murder mystery. Man, it was crazy.

Quote ( ) :

-It says PINK.

- ! ! !

But Im missing the point) Almost every one came, even Chewy did, which was a complete surprise). Chews, Id be even more eager to express my happiness, but I was too wasted by the time you came. , wide open what the fuck is wrong with these people :D

, our hand-made Twister ROCKED! I wanna personally address my gratitude to those, without whom it wouldve been impossible to accomplish: Jenny, Chewy, Sabik & Oleg (for raping & tearing down that poor hard drive) and that Ika guy whom I havent seen in person, but I hear hes one hell of a good looking and awesome fellow (which is not relevant, but still is worth pointing out) :)))

So, Im 21 now and it feels like Im still 20 years old: going through a major untimely middle-life crisis))) Plus I feel terrible, because of my escalated cold + hangover. But I gotta say this:

I love tequila. I absolutely love tequila and Im psychologically attached to it, but it has its downs in the form of hiatus it creates in my brain followed by a terrible, malignant hangover afterwards. And, its made me break my three commandments so many times and there was nothing I could do to resist) But those days are over now. (I thinkIll tryHmm, maybe?) :D
Anyways, I have this crazy idea; I should host more of these trash tequila soirées. We still have some games to play, the ones we couldnt play yesterday.
, something about a party being a success if dont remember the rest. The party was a success. It was so successful that we didnt even get to the cake part. Not that Im complaining, , , .) , , maybe its a good thing. Dont want to strike a sour note, but those things dont work anyway, so why bother?) Que Sera, Sera and all)
SoopeeThats all for this entry. Next one coming right up.


@: DM, EW 101, HDA, and so it is

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02:22 

Infamous Impostor
And now that its out of my system (for a while), Im gonna re-collect myself and gear up for my upcoming earth-shattering 21st Birthday Party.

@: and so it is, DM

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22:20 

And

Infamous Impostor
It's on! My upcoming birthday is so on ;) So much to do, so little time)))

@: DM, EW 101, HDA, Obsession, and so it is

URL
22:16 

Infamous Impostor

It's done. :) I got rid of most of my clothes, old stuff and those bits and pieces of life I resent. Now my environment is almost as empty as I am on the inside and... it makes me almost happy.

 


@: HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession

URL
20:08 

Infamous Impostor

I'm so wrapped up in my own shit that I no longer see anything that's going on with people I still care about. Not a good way to goNot a good way at all. I dont know how Ive come down to this
Don't want to quote someone who's all words and no action, but the time for change has come.
It's time for change. I dont know how Im going to fix things, but I need to come up with something until its too late. I've got about 3 months left before something really bad happens and I lose it forever. Until then...and this is the sentence I'm not going to finish in writing.


@: EW 101, C'est la vie, and so it is, MHP

URL
18:37 

Infamous Impostor
Although we have de facto nothing in common, there's a reason why we've been friends for so long. Id like to keep it that way, but its been very hard for me to do for the past year and its only gonna get worse. [until is reaches its apexby then nothing will matter] But Im missing the point
She, of all people, is the most realistic, level-headed and understanding person: three valuable qualities that don't usually come as a package deal.
Happy Birthday T.



@: crappy

@: C'est la vie, DM, and so it is

URL
14:41 

Loose ends...

Infamous Impostor

November the 3d has been giving me a major headache forquite a while now. It seems like I only have 3 options left:

 

a) Leave it alone: take it easy, be rational [class A coward], dont let emotions get on the way (Pretty much, what Ive been trying to do all along)

b) Grow a pair and explain everything that I have to say [via proxy]
c) Grow a bigger pair and do it all by myself.

Lets be honest here. Theres no way in hell Im actually considering option c, let alone actually doing it. Its merely for the entourage. Option a is the simplest way, but its not a solution.
There are only 2 aspects in my life, where I cant afford ignorant denial of any kind (or shouldnt, for that matter) .This means that I have only one option left.

Now, if I do this Im gonna have to be extremely meticulous: any faux pas will be crucial. Im having big time trouble finding the right words when it comes to this particular aspect, and Ive grown even worse in explaining my momentous thoughts\feelings in Russian. I need to choose the words very carefully; it doesnt have to be more dramatic than it already is.

Im not holding any grudges, I just want to set the record straight.


@: delusion of possession, and so it is

URL
19:15 

Infamous Impostor

"Everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. Some are well paved. Others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts."

 

You cant clean it up; cant repair the cracks either. At the end of the day, standing on your feet is all that really matters. And, maybe tomorrow, with a little bit of hope youll wake up and keep on walking.

Were [physically] alive.
The rest is Que Sera, Sera: Whatever Will Be, Will Be.


@: C'est la vie, WW, and so it is, quotes

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04:23 

It's ironic, but...

Infamous Impostor
...the things that [are supposed to] make you stronger are [usually] the ones to bring you down. It's easier when it goes the other way around, though.

@: Illinois Jacquet - 'Round Midnight

@: tired, frustrated

@: and so it is, HDA, C'est la vie

URL
03:43 

Dear Diary

Infamous Impostor
This space is reserved for one of my special entries. I wrote it sometime ago, but I can't remember what date or month for that matter it was.
I recollect that my room was sinking in chaos - exactly as it is now - mirroring my innermost state of mind.
Since it's all one Hell Hole Groundhog Day to me, I can't really say when I wrote it. It probably doesn't matter, otherwise I wouldve
What I don't know is why I haven't posted this entry and whether I'll ever do it.
Yes, those probably are the most intimate lines I've ever written and I have this new "open door policy" that doesn't allow me to have those cute little padlocks defiling my page for another indefinite period of time...but, those are not the only reasons.
I can torture myself to get the answer, but I don't really feel like doing it.
I'll just leave this space open in case I ever change my mind.
Cheers

@: delusion of possession, and so it is

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05:51 

Infamous Impostor

@: desolate, forlorn...

@: delusion of possession, and so it is, C'est la vie

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02:10 

Infamous Impostor

@: yeah, whatever

@: C'est la vie, DM, and so it is

URL
23:18 

Infamous Impostor
There's something among all those things I've figured out about life that is particularly hard on the target:
You should never give up without a fight, nor should you give up without fighting even if the battle is already lost. (that of course, if you really want to win) Anyway, that's what I used to do all the time ever since I was a little kid. I used to defend my interests and the interests of the people I cared about; there was nothing in the whole white world that could ever shake my keen sense of equity...until I grew up No, that's not it. It took me a long time to realize that there are fights that cannot be won. You can't fight a system if you're not physically IN it.
Maybe one day I'll rise from the ashes*; maybe Ill even become my old never-give-up-no-matter-what self, but only if it's not too late: before the wind scatters what's left of my ashes.

I believe, what I'm trying to say is that I know I'm putting my ass on the line either ways. I can use the information I have (well, that's all I need to do, the rest will follow) or I can stay out of it. No matter what I do, our lives are depending on it but it's me who is the only one responsible for what I say or decide not to. Not much of choice, that's why I'd rather step up and point them in the (hopefully) right direction.

*there's another thing that i always say to myself that has become my very own stalker quote: hope dies with the hopeful. that's definitely not something i'm particularly happy about - quite the opposite, actually. of course, there's always a way out of it, but it's way too simple. dying is simple, it's living that's hard like hell (even though i don't believe in all that heaven\hell kind of crap). guess, i'll just have to endure it untill my time comes [naturally].


updt:

I almost forgot that no matter what choice I make, it's doomed anyway. Let's face it, it's going to be either bad or even worse. Here's the thing though, I'm sorry but I'm not going to say that I'd rather go for "bad" than for "worse". I'd rather have better options in life even though I have none.
: 25.09.2009 21:16

@: bite me

@: and so it is, C'est la vie

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cognitive dissonance