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Записи с темой: c'est la vie (список заголовков)

Infamous Impostor
I'm going to make a promise to myself and I'm going to try till the bitter end to keep it, because otherwise what's the fucking point of my life?
I'm going to join crossfit and become very strong and tone. I'm never going to smoke again (vaping doesn't count...yet). I'm going to save this fucking semester and wing it, even though it's going to be very hard to do at this point, but I'll do my best. I'm going to keep my 2 jobs and, hopefully, I'll get a third one at a hospital. I'm going to start making enough money to move out and finally live on my own. I'm going to move the fuck out and finally enjoy peace and quiet. And I'll keep working very hard to maintain that lifestyle. And then the time will come and I will graduate. I'll start paying off my student loans, while working possibly two jobs and taking pre-requisits for grad school at a community college. And maybe a year or year and a half later I will apply to USC Keck...and maybe even some other schools in other states. I will get into the program, whichever one I will qualify for most and will make ME happy. And two years later I will finally become a physicians assistant and I'll start making loads of money, which I will spend on traveling the world.
And this entire time from the starting point to the desired destination, I will never ever again let another human being drag me down and make me feel miserable. And I will fuck every single man in uniform I want but I won't let any of them close ever again. And who knows, somewhere down the line I will meet the person that I will truly and fully love, who will be an accomplished, happy person and will love me just the same.
NO wizard that there is or WAS

@темы: and so it is, HDA, C'est la vie


Infamous Impostor
...and all of it is an integral part of life. :)

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, HDA, and so it is


Infamous Impostor
That strange feeling when you just take it easy... out of nowhere.

@темы: and so it is, EW 101, C'est la vie


Infamous Impostor
*voice in the background* ну сколько можно? :'(

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101


GFS encounter. #hcc

Infamous Impostor
That feeling you get when you accidentally catch your reflection in the mirror and you see it radiating pure happiness. And then you realize that you're scared of being happy, because of how momentary it has been for the past forever. I no longer I want to control my emotions. I like being happy, even if it's not gonna last. By now I should be able to pick up the pieces after shit hits the fan. I'll deal with the heartbreak later. I'm gonna try and be happy here and now.

@темы: and so it is, EW 101, DM, C'est la vie


Infamous Impostor
Последние 10 дней моей жизни были просто неимоверно печальными.
How much longer till I get my closure? Will I ever get it?

@настроение: =\

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101


Infamous Impostor
My last performance on GCC stage.

@настроение: sad, but not because of that...and also, not because of that either. just existentially sad.

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, and so it is


Infamous Impostor
I'm either the biggest loser or completely worthless. Maybe even both.

@темы: C'est la vie


Infamous Impostor
Robert passed away last night.
Thank you for being like a father to me when I was a child. Thank you for believing in me.
I am sorry for not being there when I should have...
Rest in peace.

@настроение: sad

@темы: DM, C'est la vie



Infamous Impostor
It is absolutely incredible how much I love this life. And yet, I do not have the faintest idea how to live it.

Am I ever going to learn?

Am I ever going to live?

Am I going to regain my voice? All that silence has been building up inside, causing me to stop fighting and succumb to it. I stopped caring about myself entirely. It is not the way to go, is it now? I do not know how to snap out of it. I do not even trust myself to put my shit together, scream, and break out of the shell I have driven myself into. I do not know how to help myself anymore. I just know that no possessions can ever fill that hole inside of me. Somewhere along the line it all stopped making sense to me.
I remember being miserable but inspired: inspired and in love with the world around and inside of me. Now I am neither. I believe this is what real numbness feels like. At some point that girl that used to be me stopped pounding on the door of my consciousness, and silence fell upon me. I do not know what it is going to take to breathe life into her.
They say desperate diseases must have desperate cures, so, I guess it is going to take living to cure insipidity.

I am going to live.

And, I will learn. . . eventually.

@музыка: Prince & The Revolution - Purple Rain

@настроение: numb

@темы: C'est la vie, delusion of possession


Infamous Impostor
I have forgotten what it is like to love myself. . .

@настроение: none?

@темы: delusion of possession, C'est la vie


Infamous Impostor
I used to make so many mistakes and yet I put so much of my soul into every single word that I had written. I still make mistakes, but somehow my soul is no longer in them. It has become so faded that I have no idea where to find the spark that will make my soul shine through my writting again.

I need you now more than ever...

@настроение: )

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, HDA, and so it is, delusion of possession


Infamous Impostor
I miss my inspiration.
I miss you so much.
I miss me.

@настроение: )

@темы: C'est la vie, EW 101, and so it is, HDA



Infamous Impostor
Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be

Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by
you no matter what . . . .
. . . . [But] there's [also] the chance that the one person
you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes
better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing
beside you all along.

That was one tacky but meaningful bottom line from one stupid movie. My mom asked me to watch with her, and, despite my inner objections, I cooperated. I had not anticipated that it would make me utterly sad, but it did.
How can you go on after realizing that what you had believed in turned out to be one of the greatest disappointments in your life? How can you get over the fact that those bonds you believed to be unbreakable and indecomposable turned to ash and nobody else but you cares about it? Should you care when they do not? Should you do something because they
(most likely?) will not? Were those bonds as strong as you perceived them to be to begin with? Can you ever make bonds this special and expect them to last forever?
I do not know the answers. All I know is, starting out as an exigent person when it comes to relationships of any kind is hard enough. But, being lucky
(?) enough in finding those people and then having lost all that is simply unbearable. Experiencing that during the major change in your life does not help, either. It becomes even more unbearable when realize you are the only one to feel that way.
Wish I could be more like them and say fuck it, turn off the "care" switch, but I would be fooling myself. I care. I care way too much. I have made absolutely no emotional headway in the past couple of months. I hope, eventually, time will make it all seem meaningless.

@настроение: devastated

@темы: C'est la vie, quotes


The Imporance of Being. . . Gestalt

Infamous Impostor
Putting off.

It is inconceivable how much my life depends on the limited right combinations of words; words that once used to flow from my fingers, revealing the depth of my soul - a translucent reflection of my mind. It feels like somewhere along the line I have lost my touch. My ability to feel myself is disappearing, and numbness is taking over my existence.
It is ironic: I used to talk about numbness, and yet, when I look back I realize I knew nothing about it. I was alive, I was. . . myself. Somehow, the reality I am living in is trying to push me into a different direction, where thought and reason prevail over feelings. My soul is being ripped apart, its reflection worn out, bitter. . . stronger. (?)
I know the answers about life, but I forgot how to ask questions. I hope that one of these days is a turning point that will bring myself together: blasé, absorbed, whole.

@настроение: *sigh*

@темы: delusion of possession, coming someday, and so it is, MHP, HDA, C'est la vie


Big Red

Infamous Impostor
A moment of piercing silence beetled over the room. He looked at me, smiling that candid and catching of his, and said the words I've been craving to hear for the past forever. You're getting in, he said.
The mere thought of that being possible turns the wreckage of my world upside down; it's what keeps me up at night, what wakes me up after only a few hours of sleep. It's the thought that gives me the support I need, makes me move forward, and strives to keep me from looking back.
You're getting in, Galina...
I'm getting in.

@темы: C'est la vie, DM, HDA, MHP, coming someday


The Story of My Life pt. 2

Infamous Impostor
"Жестокость — это черта характера добрых людей, она возникает, когда об твою доброту начинают вытирать ноги."

@настроение: bitter

@темы: C'est la vie, DM, quotes


12:40 AM

Infamous Impostor
... а сигареты есть всегда.

@настроение: смешанное)

@темы: delusion of possession, and so it is, MHP, HDA, C'est la vie


Infamous Impostor

She was so overwhelmed that couldn't stop erasing every single line she wrote. She did believe in justice being served in the end, at least, she knew that is was served in his case. But what about all those people who saw and heard everything. but still did nothing? Why didn't those callous cowards step up and do the right thing? She sured hoped they were punished too, maybe even more than those murderers and their families did. It's not evil that possesses people and makes this world an ugly and atrocious place, it's cowardice, ignorance, and indifference that people possess.


I do love you life, you know. I still do. It's just, sometimes you don't make any sense. I want to believe that his death wasn't in vain as much as I'm making my life to be.

@настроение: upset

@темы: C'est la vie, delusion of possession


Infamous Impostor
Dave told me this awesome thing about LA. He says the whole town is like this blank canvas, and whatever you bring to it... that's what it is. It's just this random collection of neighborhoods where it's always sunny and it basically reflects wherever you're at back at you. So if you're happy, LA is great. If you're not, LA sucks. But it has nothing to do with Los Angeles because... get this... there's no such thing.

@темы: C'est la vie, quotes

cognitive dissonance