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: c'est la vie ( )
23:44 

Infamous Impostor

Thank God it's over and nobody's hurt. It's like the nightmare 21 years ago all over again. Why did it have to happen today of all days? Years go by and nothing really changes.

I hate this place and the feeling is genuine.


@: C'est la vie, DM

URL
18:43 

Out of the Blue

Infamous Impostor
It hit me: In Life, there's a wait-list for everything.

@: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

@: )

@: just a thought, WW, C'est la vie

URL
09:55 

Infamous Impostor

I've been thinking lately) I haven't seen, or met, or even known a single person whose dreams came true. Is it just me, or is it really not to say the least - sad and devastating? Or, for those of you who prefer to use your muscles instead of reason, don't you think it's excruciatingly heartbreaking?

Which brings me to...For as long as I can remember myself, most of my dreams were always THERE. So, that is why I have never had a single major dream come true. Basically, I had to postpone my whole life, because...Well, I don't need to say this for the hundredth time) What I can say is, it's never going to change) I'm not giving up on something that makes me who I am, but...I need to have at least one other dream to hold on to; to make me feel alive again. So, it's time for me to stop talking and dreaming, and MAKE IT come true.

 

Step I: Find a sript [Done]

Step II: Preliminary casting (the hard part)

Step III: Make everyone do their homework (Fight the sloth)

Step IV: Yet to be determined...


@: Jane: Riverside

@: )

@: Obsession, HDA, C'est la vie

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20:50 

Infamous Impostor

2009 , , I don't feel like it...

I wrote it too, but I deleted the whole thing. It was almost as messy as this year :) The hell with it. ) Things worse mentioning? I've already mentioned my whole new life style. Let me just add that it's not goint to be long until I turn into devil-may-care person [on the outside?]. It's incredibly hard, to be honest. This whole year has been so painful and life-changing (not in a good way). I've been going through so many metamorphoses and sometimes I feel like I can't keep up with myself. I'm also afraid that I might quit the race, meaning: I might lose myself in a way I can't even describe.

Execution date has been moved to February 17 andSee, I dont even know what to say! Whatever) I said I didnt feel like writing)

So, instead Im gonna write down a thought that came to me the very minute I opened my eyes this morning:
Sometimes you can tell more about a movie from the final titles, than from the movie itself.
I dont know why and what I meant what I thought, just did :)
So, Im gonna go now.

! . Ill just have my fingers crossed for all of your wishes to come true next year. :)


@: h----y)))

@: C'est la vie, DM, WW,

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13:41 

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Infamous Impostor

It must be It is very selfish of me, I know...I don't feel like coming back home at all, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to know how fucked up and desperate things are, now, that I finally have the luxury of avoiding reality by simply turning my back on it...
But...it's not right. And it's not right for me to be so imperturbable about it, either. I wish I could say that I'm living in the moment, having the time of my life, but that wouldnt have been true.
Im running away from myself, my family thats what it is. But hey, at least I dont feel miserable anymore. Im not sure, thoughI think Im still miserable, but on a whole different level. Its almost like Im on antidepressants: I know its wrong, but I dont want to stop taking them. Im not in any painat least for now. Its wrong and selfish on so many levels. Im becoming this faint-hearted excuse for a human being. I can still hear that one particular voice inside of me, yelling at me, trying to bring me back to my sensesHell, it wants to speak up now, but Im not gonna let it. Im sorry, I really am, but (I) you need to let me beThey all do, I cant take any pressure, Im tired and broken, and Im trying to pick up the piecesand these things are making it hard for me. I know (I) you hate me now, but I deserve a break. I dont know what else to say...I guess...Well, theres something Id like to add, and Im going to hate myself even more for this, but the hell with it: I dont want to be the responsible one; the one thats always there to tell them that its going to be fine; to tell them what to say or how to act; to be a part of it; to be supportive and give the pep-talk, when in reality I dont believe in any of it; to feel like no matter what I do, its not gonna change jack. For once, I want to be this carefree and ignorant kid, who doesnt have all the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore. But why do I feel so guilty, when I say this out loud? It wasnt all that long ago that I couldnt care less about any of it, but things change. I still want out, but want it to happen without my further involvement. Thats right. I want to wake up one day and learn that its over. The nightmare is over, we can all be happy now. Voilà!
What I dont want is to be reminded that were still "in the gutter", because its keeping me from "looking at the stars", even if these shiny little things I see are fireflies, city lights or merely products of my twisted imagination.


@: )

@: quotes, delusion of possession, and so it is, WW, HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie

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10:42 

Sweet Dreams

Infamous Impostor
So much to write about...but I can't. It's not that I'm not trying or anything, whenever or whatever I try to write - it's seems like it's not Me anymore. It's a little hard to explain, it's like I was [voluntarily] dragged outta my happy-miserable place, into the world I was trying to keep myself out of and the thing isWell, it was obvious from the start, that I would dive into this, but the truth is, Im missing somethingsomeone. I miss me, for Chrissake!
For the past month Ive been having my dreams split in two. Not THE dreams, I mean my good night dreams :) Every single night I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, disoriented and agitated. As if Ive lost something very important. Once I realize its gone, I fall asleep again, butin peace, as if I dont care anymore. But I do! I know I do! It can never be the other way around, thats for sure.
It all changed last week; last Friday, to be precise. I was late for a clandestine meeting, so I took a cab, and, as usual, we were driving in silence, because normally Im not a talkative type when it comes to public transportation. The cab driver was trying to adjust the radio, to somehow take the strain off, but the results seemed to be deplorable. Suddenly there it wasa Jazz station. I asked him to leave it: I was finally starting to enjoy myself. I couldnt help but notice that his face changed, his expressions all different, intriguingSo I asked him, if something was wrongLong story short, he turned out to be a musiciana jazz musician. He couldnt stop talking about his passion, but he looked so devastated when he was talking about it. He had a band, he used to play bass guitar, they were all committed to their love for musicThey had their dreams, and hopes and aspirations. They were young, and passionate and willing to do something special about their lives, but then something happenedLife happened. He tripped on reality, and there he was years later: old, family to support, driving a cab. The only thing that remained the same was his love for jazz: no more dreams, no hopes, no nothing. I could go on and tell the whole story, but its not mine to share.
The reason Im writing about it now, is because ever since that Friday night I see this man in my dreams. I can feel his pain and then it becomes so unbearable I wake upin cold sweat, feeling that something is missing...and then I go right back to sleep and forget all about it.
I dont want to forget, but I cant live with pain either.

@: Jane's online radio

@: sleepy)

@:  , HDA, EW 101, C'est la vie

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12:11 

Infamous Impostor

"...walk and chew gum at the same time"

 

Bull shit...I'm sure they can, but they never will. Worthless, ignorant people!


@: pissed

@: C'est la vie, EW 101

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10:15 

Infamous Impostor

I abhor worrywart people. They always try to make a huge deal out of things. They are annoying that way. I told mom that if she wanted to get her write that damn thing, she shouldn't have been so straightforward. Sometimes, you have to be manipulative, especially when it's in your best interest and your intentions are pure. Emotional manipulation was our best shot, but mom decided to keep him out of it. So, I don't think that she'll consent to this. Then again, I don't think that these things are going to play a huge role in our case. Then again...then again I tend to be wrong, when I think otherwise.


@: fed up

@: C'est la vie, EW 101, HDA

URL
00:36 

Infamous Impostor
This mistake is entirely on me. There's a reason why doctors aren't allowed (and never should) operate on their family members and/or relatives. Same here...I shouldnt have said anything in its favour. Now, because of my desperate momentary lapse in judgment, something very bad might happen and I dont know if theres any way to avoid the irreparable damage it will cause.
I dont really want to think about it, let alone talk about it, but I have to write this down, because this diary is like my very own capsule of oblivion: the moment I post anything, I forget almost everything about it. Its sort of amazing, actually. Unfortunately, this is something I cannot run away from. What I can do, is bury it deep into my brain, even if its just for a little while.
Sometimes I wish my opinion didnt matter; sometimes I wish I were a kid with no amenabilities to the decisions we have to make. But then again, Ive been having these thoughts ever since I was a little kidLife doesnt work that way.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, but its imperative that these measures arent taken by someone whos sinking in despair. It's all my fault.


@: C'est la vie, delusion of possession

URL
13:05 

20:32 11/24/2009

Infamous Impostor

Here are some aspects Id like to focus on:

a) She didnt call. Well, I dont remember the phone ringing and talking to her, but then again, theres a lot I dont remember about yesterday night. But Im pretty sure that she didnt call.

Not that I wanted this formality to go on, but I didnt think that my letter was that crystal clear.
I thought I was being subtle. Too subtle, in fact. Turns out, I wasnt and now its finally over.
This means, that my old memories wont be ruined by new ones - the ones I loath. This particular memory lane has reached a cul-de-sac.
b) I finally figured out why its not working perfectly, the way it should work. I think hed understand what Im talking about if he were reading these lines.
But this theory of mine needs to be verified and I dont know when or whether (!) we should test it.
c) I saw Natalie a few days ago. I think it was on Friday. I thought she was long to Germany, because despite the fact that were practically neighbours, I havent seen her for years. Thanks to this abrupt encounter, I understand now whom Giuna reminds me of. Except for As geeky behavior, germophobia and Giuna being hot and smart at the same time, my attitude towards both of them was\is almost the same [in a brotherly way] .
d) Speaking of brotherly feelings and GiunaHe reminds me of my Class-B (Class-A is reserved for those I'm attracted to in my "The Perfect Man theory" ) asshole cousin, because when it comes to women, these two have so much in common its almost scary. Like I said the other day: , , . I admit, it sounded a little grotesque and pompous, but its true + we all know my lavish passion for histrionics.
Over and above, George (that doesnt sound right, so Ill stick to Giuna) is like my very personal but rare anesthetic. I dont talk much about myself to other people, but when Im down and willing to share whats bothering me, his words never fail to have painkiller effect on me. He has this natural talent for pep talk mixed with realism, despite the fact that his brain is more or less fucked up too. Maybe its because we dont talk much, or see each other for that matter, and its novelty of our conversations, that makes me feel different, like theres still something out there. Despite my lifestyle, Im a serious novelty junkie.
e) Guess, Ill have to go and blow the candles now, but Im not going to make a wish.
f) Last, but not least, WHERE IS MY FABULOUS DKNY CASHMERE PERFUME!?!?!?!!?!?! I can't find it anywhere! :weep3:
g) Last, but not least: Take Two. I need to do something with my language. As natural as it feels to me, I cant find the right words in Russian and its starting to piss me off, because its causing communication problems or makes me sound mediocre.* yuck* , , , , , . .

z) The more I read this book the more Im starting to realize that the only way for me to have a normal serious relationship is if I find Dali of my own. And I dread to read it any faster or finish it, becausewell, for a number of reasons.
Theres no man in this world Id rather be with. Id be willing to give up a lot to be HIS Gala. But, chances are, Im never going to find anyone like Him, at least not in this lifetime. Then again, I have another 20 years or so ahead of me, to change my mind and get myself an empty shell with potential and fill it with what I want it to be. (Which is something Id like to avoid, because no matter how much you mould, sculpt and sugarcoat someone, deep down he\she is going to stay the same hollow person, but with a different MO.)

@: delusion of possession, Obsession, HDA, EW 101, DM, C'est la vie

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12:35 

Infamous Impostor
I always trust my gut because its never wrong. Well, guess what! I DONT WANT TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME! I knew this was going to happen, I was trying to ignore it, but here we areas predicted.
My life is one big cosmic joke, thats what it is. They say, Life has great sense of humor. Yes, it does unfortunately for me. But you know what? If Life were a stand-up comedian it wouldve been definitely thrown off of the stage with its ass kicked. Because, Dear Life, I hate to break it to you this way, but guess what - your jokes suck! Either get a new sense of humor or do me solid - fuck off.
Its minus 5 people, 3 of whom I truly wanted to be hereI dont know, maybe I should cancel the whole thing, Im just so devastated that if I do cancel it, I wont be having any birthday parties any time soon and by soon I mean years. Silver wouldve understand why it makes me so sad.
The hell with it. I going upstairs to post this entry using god-sisters internet, because my lines been cut off once again.
What Im gonna do next, I dont have a slightest idea.
I wish I could say that I dont give a crap, but I do and it sure as hell doesnt make it any easier.

@: C'est la vie, HDA

URL
02:04 

Almost 21

Infamous Impostor
Im having second thoughts here... I dont know, I just have this bad feeling that this day is not going to be anywhere near the one I have in mind. Two options [as usual]: I could either spend it like any other day of my endless misery (never gets old) , trying to drown myself in booze and self-loathing or I could go overboard with it and make my birthday memorable unlike those 20 I had. I wish, I hope, I made the right choice, but I cant shake off this feeling like everything will come crushing down like it always does. I dont think I can handle more of whatevers coming and I dont mean just my birthday.

I want(ed) it to be perfect, the same way I want my future to be, but its probably not going to happen. I want(ed) something to hold on to and this is (was) my last chance. This is [probably] my last birthday [party] and Im terrified because I really mean it. This is [probably] going to be the last birthday I celebrate as a more or less normal, sane person who hasnt alienated every single person in her lifeyet. I'm afraid it will turn out to be a sheer disappointment, that people I want to be there with and for me, won't make it or something else will go wrong...It is my last chance to be happy, because the truth isWell, the truth is ugly and so desperate that Id rather not talk about it right now. Its been hard enough to break through that darkness Ive been living in for the past year [especially this past year], its even harder to maintain this brittle state of denial I managed to pull myself into for the past 2 weeks or so.


What if its all a big mistake? Maybe I shouldnt have supported the idea of these major changes?


What hurts me the most, is the fact that Im turning 21, which means Ill be eligible to drink alcohol [in countries I most likely will never set my foot in] , and Im too young to have the thoughts that rip my mind off every single day of my existence. Now, thats just self-pity and I hate myself for it, but there is only one person whos allowed to feel sorry for me is me and I admit, I do this from time to time.
I didnt realize this until recently, but its so easy to change your mind when youre in your teens, especially in your late teens. Its never been easy for me, but when I look back, I see that my life was so much easier, because I was constantly evolving, changing my roles, trying on masks; I was growing up confident that I could be anyone I wanted to be and that I was going to make a difference in this world [I was (am?) so darn idealistic and purposeful]. And now Im stuck, because I made my choice and Im never changing my mind again. Theres only one way and if its not there, than it's going to be over soon. These are not suicidal thoughts, although I do realize, they sure look like they are. I would never take my own life, but who says that death is only physical? One way or another, Im dyingEvery single day Im getting weaker and weaker and the time will come when the pain gets so unbearable, Ill give up the only thing thats keeping me on life support Hope. I lost my Faith in THE future long time ago, I dont want any other scenarios that can never live up to how I've been seeing it ever since I was a little kid. Hope is all I have left. Sometimes Im scared, but its different now. Im not scared that nothing is going to happen: Im scared that something very bad will. Its ironic, they call it the 9th circle, Dante wouldve been so flattered. At least, now Im in limbo and as painful as it is, its nowhere near Hell we may have to go through, because theres no way any of us will survive it. Not anymore, there will be no more strength left to fight, to hope, to be.
What I know is that the time might come and Ill let go, and the only reason I would do such thing is because Ill be no longer there in my body, Ill be long gonefor good.

@:  , HDA, C'est la vie

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23:28 

Infamous Impostor
No wonder she loves this song so much...

@: sad

@: C'est la vie, HDA,

URL
19:47 

Infamous Impostor
- Look, I know a little bit about this. You are gonna have to deal with reality now and let it go. I know you wanna try to make sense out of this and I know you want some kind of cause and effect, but this world isnt like that. I see people die everyday for no reason.
- I dont know what to do!
- Do what we all do live. As hard and as easy as that is...



@: C'est la vie, MHP, WW, quotes

URL
20:08 

Infamous Impostor

I'm so wrapped up in my own shit that I no longer see anything that's going on with people I still care about. Not a good way to goNot a good way at all. I dont know how Ive come down to this
Don't want to quote someone who's all words and no action, but the time for change has come.
It's time for change. I dont know how Im going to fix things, but I need to come up with something until its too late. I've got about 3 months left before something really bad happens and I lose it forever. Until then...and this is the sentence I'm not going to finish in writing.


@: EW 101, C'est la vie, and so it is, MHP

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18:37 

Infamous Impostor
Although we have de facto nothing in common, there's a reason why we've been friends for so long. Id like to keep it that way, but its been very hard for me to do for the past year and its only gonna get worse. [until is reaches its apexby then nothing will matter] But Im missing the point
She, of all people, is the most realistic, level-headed and understanding person: three valuable qualities that don't usually come as a package deal.
Happy Birthday T.



@: crappy

@: C'est la vie, DM, and so it is

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00:37 

Shopping Spree

Infamous Impostor
Shopping is like an addictive drug. Its also extremely contagious, but it certainly has its therapeutic perks.

I gotta say this, Im getting tired (not that I dont appreciate it or anything) I have all these clothes that no longer fit my wardrobe and its not even the worst part. The worst part is, I have nowhere to wear them, not because I literally dont have a place dress up for, but because its almost like I dont consider this lifeless pit worthy of wearing designer clothes. Sounds so insolent and contemptuous, but I cant [won't] help it.

So, instead of stopping, we go on shopping, and shopping, and shopping, even though we dont really need any of those things [most of the time]. Like yesterday, for example: next stop - Neiman Marcus.
I grew up surrounded with labels and overly expensive clothes, sometimes even coming straight from the source, but Ive never really wanted any of those things. Right now, I dont care much for trade marks, but I as sure as hell admire and know how to appreciate them, and elegant people who know how to dress both tastefully and becomingly.

I also know that we need to fight this irrational all-absorbing urge to spend money. Its one of those anesthetics: It sedates you, but eventually it wears off.

updt:

12 ...I'm the lucky owner of:

Incredibly cute blue VS sheet set + comforter for a Queen-size bed [that I'll probably never have\use] ; another huge perfume\make-up set, and a fancy black & grey pea-coat [love it].

This is Sparta Madness. She can't help it - I don't want to resist it. There's no end to all the craziness.

 

P.S. I've always loved pea-coats. :heart:*ahhhhh my new adorable pea-coat*:heart:


: 02.11.2009 15:21

@: Astor Piazzolla - Violentango

@: meditative

@: C'est la vie, EW 101, MHP, WW

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19:15 

Infamous Impostor

"Everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. Some are well paved. Others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts."

 

You cant clean it up; cant repair the cracks either. At the end of the day, standing on your feet is all that really matters. And, maybe tomorrow, with a little bit of hope youll wake up and keep on walking.

Were [physically] alive.
The rest is Que Sera, Sera: Whatever Will Be, Will Be.


@: C'est la vie, WW, and so it is, quotes

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04:23 

It's ironic, but...

Infamous Impostor
...the things that [are supposed to] make you stronger are [usually] the ones to bring you down. It's easier when it goes the other way around, though.

@: Illinois Jacquet - 'Round Midnight

@: tired, frustrated

@: and so it is, HDA, C'est la vie

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05:51 

Infamous Impostor

@: desolate, forlorn...

@: delusion of possession, and so it is, C'est la vie

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cognitive dissonance