Infamous Impostor
I realize it's been quite a fucking while and I keep asking why, but I don't know the answer. As of right now, the voice in my head is telling me that it's because at some point I stopped reflecting and started reacting instead. From an active process, my life became passive somewhere down the line. I think all the time, but I rarely reflect on anything that is going on around me... and that's just not the kind of person I used to be. I used to feel everything so deeply and had this wide range of emotions, and slowly but surely enough it went away. So, now I just react... I feel what I think I'm supposed to be feeling in a given situation, but do I really feel that way? I don't know... I.simply.don't.know. Was I always like that? I'm very confused...

After what happened today I just felt the need to come here and talk about it. It was not okay. I was not okay. I am not okay, and my whole body was kind enough to make me realize that. I'm hopeful. I hope that if I write about it, it'll go away... It used to work back in the day. I would open this page and let it all out, good or bad, and it would go away. Clean slate. I would re-read it later, but it was like none of it ever happened to me. So, maybe this pain that I didn't think was there will just go away.

"Lay down in a supine position, your head facing the blackboard. We're at the warehouse. You fell down from 15' and your chief complaint is pain in the back, neck, and chest. You are alert and verbal. I'll be asnwering the key questions, anything else they ask you, you can make that up."

I lie down on the floor and look at the celling, as the instructor leaves the room to grab the "emts" to run the scenario. It's a little bit uncomforable, I don't like looking at the celling; something about the lighting is causing me to sign...
Flash. I'm at the hospital

The emts come in, one of them stabilizes my head.
Flash. "You got into an accident. We are here to help you. What's your name? Are you in any pain?"

I want to close my eyes and I feel my whole body tensing up. I don't like the fact that one of "Emts" is holding my head. He's pressing too hard on my temples. Is he?
Flash. I'm seeing the blurry faces looking down on me. I'm scared, I don't know what's going to happen to me. They're not telling my anything. I don't know what's wrong!

I'm starting to feel a little nauseous. I don't understand what is going on. All I want it get up and say "STOP! I can't do this! I don't want to be a patient again!" I try to calm myself down, I'm talking to myself in my head as I'm trying to answer the questions I'm being bombarded with by my classmates. "No, I don't have any allergies. No, I'm not taking any medications. Yes, I had surgery on my femur."
Flash. There are silent tears running down my cheeks. I wish I had died. That crash was so comforting. For that a split second right before it happened, everything in the world seized to matter. I was calm, I knew exactly what was coming and I was ready for it. But now I'm here and I don't know if my life will ever be the same again.

I close my eyes for a second. The nausea keeps getting worse. My hands are going numb. "Hang in there, Gala. Stop being a little bitch. You can't fuck this exercise up for these guys. Suck it the fuck up." But there's another voice in my head crying out for help, begging me to make it stop. I can't... There's something wrong with my hands. I feel tingling in both of my hands. "They're gonna put you on a backboard, Gala. You need to end this now!"


I sit up... My hands are still tingly, my head is now spinning. "What's wrong?!"
I slur my words. "I... It... I just relived... It's like my accident all over again. I can't do this. I'm sorry."

It's over. My heart is racing, I'm trying to breathe normally, my hands are still tingly.

And I'm just not okay... Two hours later I walk up to my car, get in, and I just break down. I can't cry or smoke. I'm not okay. The only thought running through my head "all those psych classes that talked about ptsd... it's real. i have it. it broke me inside and out." I take the streets, I can't bring myself to get on the freeway.

I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted.

2014-12-30 в 01:37 

Когда исчезнут все зеркала, отражающие тебя, сможешь ли ты сказать, кто ты, и зачем ты здесь?
What's happened..? Sounds terrifying..


cognitive dissonance